My Kitchen Table

I want to write and I always think that I need something major to write about before I sit down to write.  The truth of the matter is that when I read things that are good and that speak to me, they are really very simple thoughts.  Writing helps me to think things out.  It helps me to solve problems.

  Well, I have a problem.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t keep my kitchen table clean and uncluttered.  I clear it off one minute and the next minute I turn around and I don’t know how all the crap sitting on it got there…. Before you think, oh, your husband and kids must be doing it…. Nope… It’s just me and my two chihuahuas and they can’t reach the table.  (Their toys are scattered all over the living room but that is another problem for another blog .)  

When I sit down to relax in my living room, I can see my kitchen table.  Often, I will get up and just put everything on the table in a box and then move that box out of my eye sight.  Well, you can already see the problem with that.  Eventually I am going to have to go through all those boxes that I keep filling up when I clear off the table. 

Some evenings, I will think the solution is to put something away every time I walk past the table.  The ideal solution is for me to stop putting everything on the table.  When I walk in the door from work, I should put whatever is in my hands where it belongs.  I never do that.  I walk in the door drop what I am carrying on the kitchen table and kick off my shoes.  My shoes are usually all under my coffee table in the living room.  

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that my kitchen table is not the problem.  I am the problem.  I need to be retrained.  Why do I keep doing something that causes a problem that I don’t like?  How will I break this habit?  Will just writing this blog and sharing my issue with other people help me to solve this problem?  To be continued….

Letting Go of the Past

I have been thinking a lot about the past lately.  Mostly because I can’t let it go.  I cling to it like if I don’t I might forget something that has been done to me or something that I’ve done.  I carry it around with me like a suitcase.  Only now instead of just one suitcase, I have a whole set of Samsonite luggage.  I’m ready to let it go because I’m freaking exhausted from carrying it around with me..all day..every day.   God, you don’t keep a record of our wrongs.  Why then do I feel like I need to keep a record?  It is only holding me back from all of the promises that You want to bring into being in my life.  Sitting around and thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in my life, is just wasting time that I could be spending more wisely.  I’m done wasting time.  I have an even longer list of things that I want to accomplish in this life.  It’s time for me to focus in on that list and let go of what I can’t change.  Last year at this time, I felt like God was leading me to write about my past.  I did write some of it but it only brought it back to the surface.  I believe what You were really trying to tell me was that it’s time to let go. As I began to write about my past, I did work through some things that I needed to get out but now I’m ready to move forward.  I will never forget my past completely.  It is part of who I am but I can’t cling to it or let it drag me down.   There are parts of me that I have kept buried for over 10 years because I was so afraid of being hurt by anyone ever again.  What I have learned about life is that you can’t live in fear.   I can’t rein in my emotions because I don’t want to rebuild the dam that has finally been broken.  I won’t let fear steal my joy anymore.  Does this mean that I won’t ever feel pain again?  No, I wish that was the case.  What it means is that I am willing to risk the pain that might come when I love with hope and faith.  I will live in joy and peace everyday.  I will lean on God when I feel anxious and confused.  I will reach out to people even after they hurt me.  Hurting people hurt people.  They don’t mean to do it but they do.  Sometimes when you are in pain, you can’t see what’s right in front of you.  The pain can be overwhelming and all-consuming.  That’s not how God wants us to live.  That is why he gave us each other.  He wants us to reach out to one another and show the love that He shows us everyday.  He forgives us, not once but everyday.  His mercies are made new each morning.  Think about that… each morning.  Not just every religious holiday or just on Sunday.  Every single day of our lives…..

Since I am talking about letting go of the past, there are a few things that I want to say about the past as I am now letting it go.  This week I said good-bye to a dear friend of mine, Anthony Peterson.  He will always be in my heart and I can’t wait to see him again in Heaven to get a great big bear hug and see that smile that could light up any room.  I met Anthony through serving together at The Well Church.   I learned through serving that you can’t serve the Lord together without serving each other.  I think Anthony gave more to me than I ever gave to him.  He had a gift for knowing when I wasn’t okay even if I said I was.  Losing Anthony brought back many memories for me from The Well Church.  Last year about this time, the core leadership of the church made a decision due to many circumstances that I won’t go into now not to continue the church.  It was a very hard decision to make for all of us.  What I didn’t realize until recently was that I was holding onto guilt that I could have done more to save the church.  I thought that I hadn’t fulfilled God’s will for what The Well Church should have been.  On the way home from Chelsea Funeral Home on Monday night, God told me that The Well did exactly what His plan called for it to do.  He reminded me that it wasn’t my plan or Ricky’s plan or any other member of our church’s plan.  It was His plan.  What I want to say to everyone who was part of The Well or ever attended The Well or even heard or was served by The Well is this… I am forever a part of The Well Church Family and I wouldn’t trade a minute of our time together.  I met great people and made dear friends through my experience with The Well Church and it will forever be a part of me.  What I am letting go of now, is not the memories or the people but all the what if’s that just don’t matter.  It’s a new day.  Today is the day that the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

 

An Ending and A Beginning

Anyone who knows me, knows how attached I can become to people, pets and things.  I know that God doesn’t want us to be a slave to material things but sometimes material things end up representing something else.  I don’t embrace change.  I like routine and stability. So in 2003 when I bought a black mustang convertible with a tan top, it was a break in that routine and stablity…and it was a big change that really was more about the change that was taking place in my life.  I was breaking free from a part of myself and letting go of the past.  I wanted to be a different person and I was for a while.  I was a person that I almost don’t recognize as part of myself now.  It was a part of me that desired freedom, danger and risk and didn’t really care about tomorrow.  I was living for the moment.   Tomorrow I am selling my car and buying a new one.  I am excited about my new car because it’s an upgrade from the one I have now.  It’s got fewer miles, a cd changer, leather seats and it doesn’t leak.  Tonight I cleaned out my car, vacuumed the interior, washed it, filled up the gas tank and finally got the cd that’s been stuck in it for over a year out of the cd player.  To me saying goodbye to this car, is bittersweet. It’s the end of one chapter and the start of another.  I am saying goodbye to not just a car but the memories that it represents.  I named this car “Sandi” because it was me transitioning from Sandra Dee to Sandi in black leather pants in Grease.  I spelled it with and I because that is how I spell my name.  I am not sure that I will name this car.  The transition from one black convertible with a tan top to another black convertible with a black top isn’t as life changing as when I went from the hard top to the convertible.  I guess by keeping with the convertible I am not ready to let go of that part of me that wants to be free and a little crazy.  I love to feel the wind in my hair and the sun beating down as I drive.   It’s exciting when you realize it’s the perfect weather for a top down day.  It’s fun to sing along to the radio and raise one hand in the air to feel the breeze.   Thank you Sandi for all the fun we shared.  You be good for your new owner.  You’ll always be my first convertible.

Enjoying My “Snow Days”

With today’s technology, I have been able to keep in contact with many people through texting, facebook and email during this blizzard. I read all the frantic posts and received many texts from friends feeling that they have “cabin fever.” I don’t understand why after 1 day of being stuck inside so many people were frustrated and ready to get out of their homes. What is the rush? I have been enjoying my time at home with my dogs knowing that there is no where that I “need” to be. Maybe I am on the go too much in my day to day life. Maybe I need to spend more time relaxing and less time “running around like a chicken with my head cut off.” My dad used to tell me that I used his house as a “landing pad.” I would stop in long enough to refuel and I was off again. I have been trying to slow down my pace in this life because i have learned the hard way over the years that when you continue to burn the candle at both ends, you really can burn out. I have lived on burn out for several years and I am here to tell you that it was not fun. I promised myself after I went through the long road to recovery that i would take better care of myself and watch for the signs that lead to my burn out. I have learned that sometimes I have to disappoint other people in order to take care of me. I only have so many hours in my day and I have to spend them on what I feel is best. I know that many of us have now been couped up for 3 days now and still don’t know how we will make it out of our homes, down our driveways and along the streets to work or to the store etc. Instead of being in a panic about what you can’t do, why not think of something you can do? I have been spending some extra time with my precious babies and working on some clean up projects that I have been putting off for way too long. When I look around my house, I see that I have enough to do to keep me busy for weeks not just days. Maybe other people are better at keeping up with organization and cleaning than I am and they don’t have the number of projects waiting for them that I do. I am going to enjoy my “snow days” and take advantage of my extra time. I must say I would much rather be stuck at home than stranded in my car along the highway the way so many people have been in the last several days. I thank God for my nice warm home, the food I have to eat and the time that I have to relax and spend with Him.

Answering God’s Call

 I usually  title my blog before I begin writing because I know when I log into my account what I want to write about. Today I know what I will start out writing about but I don’t know where it is going to lead so I am going to save the title until the end.  Friday night I went to a going away celebration for two young people who are leaving the country on two very different adventures.  I am very proud to call both of them my friends and I will miss seeing them around Claremore but I am excited for their futures.  Sarah is going to Europe on a missions trip and she will be gone until May.  Anthony is leaving for Afghanistan and will be returning in a year.  In my late teens early twenties, I can’t imagine having made the decision to leave the country like these two brave young souls have.  They both have a calling to serve God that has taken them out of their comfort zone.  God has a unique way of bringing people together and pulling them apart at the right times.  God brought these young people into my life through a church called “The Well.”  I actually met Sarah initially at Java Dave’s but didn’t get to know her until she started attending “The Well” or until I started attending.  I can’t recall who started attending first.  Anthony is gifted in knowing when I need a hug and gives the very best hugs of anyone I know.  If I hadn’t met these two individuals,  I wouldn’t have seen how God has impacted their lives and then sent them out into the world to spread their love of Christ.  I have also been called to serve God but my calling is to serve God right where I am.  My heart is for Claremore.  I love it here and I am blessed to have been called here to make an impact.  Many people who I know have left Claremore recently and moved onto other parts of the world.  With every person that leaves, I ask God to confirm that this is where He has called me to be.  He continues to show me that this is where He has called me to be.  If He asked me to leave, would I be brave enough to go?  It is a hard question to answer until you have been asked.  These two brave young people have answered the call on their lives and God will be with them on their journey.

A New Year, A New Beginning

Last year, I started this blog and had every intention of posting on a regular basis.  I always have good intentions at the first of the year to do all of the things that I wish I had done more of the year before.  My life has been full of changes both good and bad but all changes that make big impacts on my time and my direction.  I have a new job that I love and I am so excited to go to work every day and the time that I am at work seems to just fly by.  I promised myself that I would start writing when I switched jobs but I haven’t been writing.  So I guess what I am saying again…. is that I have every intention of posting on a regular basis to this blog.  And…. more than that I am going to be writing other things besides this blog that someday will be shared with the world.   My dream is to be a writer and the only way to make that dream come true is to write.  Even now as I feel my figures on the keyboard and hear the click of the keys as my fingers glide along and my brain awakens to the new ideas flowing out of me as if by magic or divine nature I wonder why I procrastinate about writing so much.  I would like to say that if you are an English major ..please do not read this blog and edit it because I too am an English Major and I have already had to turn my editor off for blogging purposes and to connect with the creative side of my brain.  The editor can wake up later and freak out that I actually posted this without revising it first… (shhh, it’s okay… it will be okay..)  I enjoy writing so much.  Why would I put off doing something that I enjoy?  I guess I just get busy doing other things that I feel are more important always thinking in the back of my mind that I will get to the writing later.  When exactly is “later”?  I am going to start doing more things now and putting off fewer things to do “later.”  At some point, later will not be soon enough to get all that we want to do done.

Give Your Worries to God

Every morning when I get up, before I even drink my first cup of coffee, I sit down to read the Bible.  I have learned that I need to drink in God’s word first thing in the morning to start my day off right.  This morning I decided to take a break from my old testament reading of 2 Samuel and to skim through the Bible to look for special passages that I had highlighted.  I prayed for God to show me what He wanted me to see this morning.  I knew from the first passage that I came across that I would share this in my blog.  When I feel God showing me something that encourages me, I want to share that with the world.  So I hope that what I will share this morning will uplift you as it uplifted me this morning.  I am sharing from the message Bible.  

“If I acted crazy, I did it for God; if I acted overly serious, I did it for you. Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do.” 2 Corinthians 5:14.  

 When I read the verse above, I thought of The Well Church and how we have a group of people so in love with God that we want to share it with absolutely everyone.  Yesterday I felt like I got too emotional worrying over a friend who was rushed to the hospital.  I have been trying to be consistent with my faith by praying and giving things to God.  When I let the enemy affect me with worry instead of letting go and letting God take over, I get frustrated with myself.  When I read this passage it was like God saying to me, it’s okay that you love people as I love you.  Don’t be so hard on yourself. 

 “Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting god know your concerns.”  Philippians 4: 6

 This is what I know God wants and He knows that I’m trying.  I am working on letting go of all of my worry about things of this Earth and giving it to God.  I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I know are part of God’s calling on my life.  The only way that I can do all of it is by following God’s path and not my own.  His will, not my will be done.

 “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven-and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The day is coming when you’ll have it all-life healed and whole. “  1 Peter 1:3

 This reminds me of something I said to someone last night at a meeting.  They were talking about death and I said that I wasn’t scared to die because I think that life in heaven is going to be better than what we have on this Earth.  I believe that and it is my hope and peace that keeps me going on the worst of days and the best of days.  I am here on this earth because God is using me to further his kingdom in heaven.  God has a purpose and a plan for my life and I will do my humanly best to follow that plan to the letter until the day He calls me home.  I firmly believe that when I am in heaven in the presence of God that I am going to be so beyond any happiness that I have ever known on this earth that I will not give a second thought to what I didn’t do on this earth.  I will thank God for giving me the gifts that He used through me to change lives and bring more people to know him. 

 I hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  I wrote from my heart this morning and it helped me as I wrote it.  Have a blessed day!

If you want to write, Just Write

This morning I was talking to God as I washed my face and put on my make up.  I asked Him to just listen as I rambled along which I often do.  This morning I was missing my dad which is also a normal feeling that occurs in my life on a regular basis.  I started talking to God and I asked Him to put on my heart what my dad would say to me as I was talking.  Suddenly it occurred to me that I have a lot of George Freeman inside of me and that I know what he would say if I just listen to myself.  Now what’s funny about that is that I realized that I was really talking to myself this morning.  If I’ve lost you, let me recap what I talked about this morning and then I’ll tell you what I finally told myself to do.  I was feeling overwhelmed with my many jobs and other activities so I started listing what I had to do today and what I wanted to do but I was afraid that I wouldn’t get to do for lack of time.  I have a big “to do list” every day and I usually prioritize by what will get me a pay check at the end of the day and then I do a few volunteer items and the big thing that I am not getting to is the one thing that I know that God is calling me to do.  For the last several weeks, I have told myself that it is okay if I only write a few times a week and that eventually I can work up to writing every day.  This  morning I thought to myself  (and if you want to know the truth…spoke allowed to myself because I live alone and I can do that without people thinking I am crazy…) what do I need to do to make more time for my writing.  I have all these ideas floating in my head and I know God has called me to tell my story and yet most days at the end of the day I am too tired to write.  Then I heard it loud and clear…. “If you want to write, just write.”  So I decided then and there as I was finishing my make up that I was going to start my day with writing and then move onto the other tasks on my list.  The great thing about starting my day with the writing is that it gives me a chance to get the clutter out of my head and onto the page whether I decide to post it for everyone to read or write it down and delete it or throw it away when I’m done.  It’s so important to get those icky thoughts out of our head so that we can move onto the important things.  And sometimes when it’s on the page it seems so much smaller than when we leave it alone in our brain.  So thank you God and thank you Daddy because I know that you helped me this morning and all I had to do was ask!  Ask and you shall receive.  So I guess the other lesson in this is that I should ask more often and stop trying to do it all by myself.  You know the other great thing is that I started this morning missing my dad and feeling a bit heart-broken but now I feel like I did after we had one of our heart to hearts when he was still on this earth with me.  Notice that I didn’t say “when he was still here with me” because he is in my heart always and all I have to do is start talking and he is there to listen and answer me.  Well, I must go fix my make up now because I have shed a few tears as I wrote this out and realized the impact of it all.  Then it’s time to move onto the next item on my “to do list” for today.  God bless you all and remember that if you need an answer from God sometimes all you need to do is ask the question.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHAREE WILLIAM MOORE

Tonight I went to the hospital to wait for the birth of precious baby boy, Zacharee William Moore.  What a blessed moment to share with a family that I already love.  I have only know Tara and Derek since July but feel like I have known them longer.  I celebrated Alex’s birthday this year and Tara invited me and my babies (two Chihuahuas) to the celebration at the park.  I helped several other members of our church to plan a baby shower for Tara early this year.  It seems like we have been waiting for little Zachary for longer than 9 months.  He is finally here to join their precious family.  I am blessed to be a part of their night.  So welcome to the world, Zachary William.   It is so fitting that he would be born the week of our 1st birthday of The Well Church.  Tara is hoping to bring him to the birthday celebration on Sunday.  I am looking forward to watching him grow up with his big brother Alex.  Thank you God for this special blessing you have given to the world tonight at 9:29 pm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO “THE WELL CHURCH”

When I think back on the last year of my life, I have to reflect on one of the biggest decisions that I made this year.   When I tell you that I sold a business that was started by my father almost 20 years ago, you might think that was hands down the biggest decision that I made for last year.  Then I would have to tell you that I also switched churches last year.  So you might think, big deal.  I must not have been happy at my church and I switched to one that made me happier.  You would be wrong about that.  I had been attending Destiny Church for almost 6 years and I loved it.  They were my family and I couldn’t wait to get there to see them and celebrate with God.  So are you still wondering why I left a church that I loved?  I would be… if I didn’t know where I ended up and that God placed me here for such a time as this.  So here is the story…. I hope you are ready to hear it, because I am ready to tell it.  Last January I was invited to participate in a Leadership Rogers County Speed Dating for Non-profits panel.  I was representing the Inola Chamber of Commerce and it was my focus to tell people about my organization and they would then tell me a little about themselves.  A young man by the name of Ricky VanPay sat down across from me and told me that he was the pastor for a new church in Claremore that was set to launch on February 22 in … of all places … the B&B Movie Theater. Church in a movie theater?  He had my attention.  From the moment he sat down across from me, I could see Christ light in his eyes.  I knew that I wanted to see him preach and I was so excited about what he was about to do to change Claremore.  I had met Ricky once before but it had been a long time prior and I didn’t really talk to him at that time. It was at an event where he was at the opposite end of the table from where I was so I didn’t have an opportunity to speak with him.  Not long after this encounter with Ricky, I went to Destiny to play Bunco with a group of women from our church and I was still so excited about this new start-up church that I told a lady about it while we were playing bunco.  I told her that Claremore really needed this type of church that was out of the ordinary and that I thought it would change Claremore.   On February 22, 2009, I went to the launch of  “The Well Church” and when I was leaving the theater, I heard someone say my name.  I turned to look and I honestly didn’t know who this lady was but she obviously knew me.  I knew that she looked familiar but I couldn’t place where I knew her from.  She said, “Stephani, I’m Nancy and we both attend Destiny Church.  I am here today because you told me about this church when we played bunco.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t even remember telling her about it at the time.   I was fired up about this new church after hearing him preach the first time.  I didn’t think that God was calling me to leave Destiny Church but I knew that I was destined to do something for this new church.  I thought at that time that my job was to let others know about it.  I kept telling my friends and my pastor and his wife that I wasn’t leaving Destiny.  I would go to Destiny on Saturday night and then attend The Well on Sunday morning.  I did this alot from February to July.  Nancy and her family left Destiny and joined The Well Church.  When they did, I told my pastor’s wife, I know that Nancy left but I am not leaving.  She told me something that opened the door for me.  She said, “Stephani, if God calls you to another church, then we will understand if you obey that call.”  She went on to say that she would miss me but that I had to follow God’s plan.  I don’t remember the exact day but I remember one Sunday listening to Ricky preach that I knew that God was calling me to “The Well Church.”  It was more than a calling to “The Well”.  It was a calling to help Claremore.  My heart and my passion is for this community.  My passion is so strong that it can only be from God himself.  I love Claremore so much that sometimes it hurts when other put it down.  I want to fix all of our problems and make us the very best that we can be. I know that we aren’t perfect but I know that I can make a difference.  This is my home and it has been since we moved here when I was seven years old.  I have lived in other cities but they never felt like home.  When I bought the house that I live in now, I knew that Claremore was where I wanted to be.  I know that I started out telling you about changing churches and ended up telling you about my love for Claremore and you might think that I got off track but the two go hand in hand.  I am now a part of  The Well Church because we are a church that has impacted Claremore and will continue to change and improve Claremore.  It has been a wonderful year in my life.  On July 26, 2009, I committed myself to his church.  It’s time to celebrate the birthday of a church that has come to life in a theater but lives in the hearts of so many people in Claremore!  We have been the hands and feet of Christ to this community in the past year and we have more plans to do more of the same in 2010.  So everyone is invited this Sunday February 21, 2010 at 10:30 am to the B&B Theater in Claremore to celebrate what God has done through his people with this crazy church that meets in a movie theater!